or, A Good Life
I’ve been floundering. I’ll go ahead and call it an early “midlife
crisis”. For the past few years I have been drastically thrashing about,
unsure of what I’m doing with my life. I went to grad school and earned
a Masters in HCI. I joined a start-up, and then left it unexpectedly. I
started my own business, shut it down, reopened it, and am now wondering
what to do with it. I built software I no longer use myself. I write
about open source software, and use a Mac on my desk, but Linux on my
servers at the day job. I have a hard time concentrating on any one
thing because I’m torn in so many different directions at once. Things
need to change.
The Why
I once considered myself something of an adventurer. I left school
before graduation and spent months camping in a tent on the Washington
coast. I joined the Navy and travelled, visiting Spain, Portugal,
France, Greece, Italy, and Israel. Shortly after my wife and I married
we moved to England and rented a farmhouse in the countryside of
Cornwall. We stayed there for four years, and in that time we
honeymooned in Dublin over St. Patricks day, and I went rafting in
Wales, and caving closer to home in Cornwall. I drove through London in
an American Jeep. When my tour in England was up, I joined the Defense
Threat Reduction Agency, once known as the Defense Nuclear Agency, in
New Mexico in a special duty assignment. We used to travel to the
deserts of Nevada, north of Las Vegas. In my free time I would take the
kids hiking in the Sandia mountains.
Things changed when I left the Navy. We moved to Iowa, I got a job at a
desk in a cubicle, we had our fourth child, and I started living a
“normal” life. Day in, and day out. For the past six years I’ve been a
Linux systems administrator. In the same position, in the same desk. I
started to believe that my adventure was over, and that belief made me
desperate. I was wrong; I’ve been traveling through the deep.
The “why” of Farmdog, my Mac software company, stems from my desire to
escape the cubicle and build a sustainable income that I can run on my
terms, from anywhere in the world. Farmdog was meant to be a way to
facilitate more adventure, more travel, more life. I thought if I could
earn enough with my software business, I could pay off my student loans
and eventually quit my day job. The reality has been far less
interesting. Farmdog has barely sold enough copies of either Paragraphs
or Go2 to pay for the annual Mac developer account and the two icons I
had done for Paragraphs. I’ve earned far more as a freelance writer than
I have as a developer, which is a disappointment.
After spending months and months learning Cocoa and Objective-C, and
months and months more after that developing Go2 and Paragraphs, I was
crushed when sales dropped to nothing after launching Paragraphs over
the summer. I called it off, shut it down, then felt that I’d reacted
poorly so I brought everything back up again. I sent a friend, who’s
opinion I trust, an early version of this post, and he replied with a
quote:
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature… Life
is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”
That of course is Helen Keller, who was nothing short of amazing. I’ve
been mulling that quote over for the past several weeks, and in the last
few days I’ve come to understand more about myself, my motivations, and
where I want to go with my personal and professional life.
It came to me while jogging the other day. We’ve built a good life
here. In this house, on this land. My family is together, my kids are
well behaved and on their way to becoming confident, competent members
of society. My faith has never been stronger, and our church is
fantastic. My relationship with my wife has never been better. But,
getting here hasn’t been easy. The repetition of my daily life has
allowed the kind of deep soul-searching that I don’t think I would have
done before. I’ve had to do a lot of deep digging, honest, bare-bones,
white-knuckle type of digging.
I thought my adventures were over, but I’ve been digging through the
deep. The biggest challenge a man can face is to master himself, only
then can he face his greatest adventure: being a father and a husband.
With the help of Christ, I am doing just that. My motivations behind
Farmdog were to pay off debt so we could travel again. We will travel
again, but at an appropriate time, perhaps when the seasons of life
change again and our kids are leaving home to begin their own lives,
their own adventures. Now is not that time, now is time for slowing down
as much as we can, enjoying and teaching our kids as much as we can, and
living our day in and day out life to the best of our ability.
The Details
Farmdog as a company is selling two products that I, personally, do not
use. Go2 has been replaced by a Quicksilver plugin that reads my
.ssh/known_hosts file. Paragraphs is a fairly good blogging platform,
but it combines two tasks into one application, and winds up doing
neither of them as good as competing products. Jekyll is fantastic, and
includes free hosting with Github, and the Mac has an embarrassment of
riches when it comes to fantastic text editors. MacVim, BBEdit, IA
Writer, and Byword are at the top of that list. Paragraphs does have a
few neat tricks, but it is nowhere near as good, or as bug free, as
other text editors.
If I were to have the time over the next five years to dedicate several
hours each week to developing Paragraphs, I think I could build it into
a fantastic application. But, each minute I work on Paragraphs I’m
taking a minute away from something else that needs done. If I’m
programming, that means that I’m not doing any freelance writing, and as
previously stated, writing makes me far more money each month than
programming ever has. Since the goal is to pay off some bills, it seems
counterproductive to spend my time working on something that makes
little to no money.
I hate to take Paragraphs and Go2 down, but it seems hypocritical of me
to keep them up for sale when I’m taking my personal and professional
life in another direction. What makes this decision so hard is the
amount of help I’ve had along the way. For years I’ve been able to send
off a new build to a good friend or two and have them tear it apart, and
send me back a long list of wrongs in need of repair. I cannot express
how important having someone test your software honestly is, or how much
I appreciate the help I’ve received. But, however highly I value it,
loyalty to friends seems like a poor motivator for running a business.
Luckily, since I have such smart friends, they already know this.
Farmdog will remain a business, and I will support Paragraphs and Go2
for one year from the date of the last purchase of either application,
but further development will be very, very slow, if at all. I may keep
developing Go2, but the future looks dim for Paragraphs.
Now, and Soon
My personal life needs me to keep working, but also to keep growing and
finding new avenues for change. To find contentment in my professional
life, and to solidify the many aspects of my work, I needed to find a
new direction, one that met this criteria:
- Made use of my experience as a Linux sysadmin in a web environment
- Made use of my degree in HCI.
- Provided an opportunity for both freelance and corporate work.
- Shows promise and sustainability for the future.
- Incorporates open source software and a new stream of topics for
writing, until freelance writing is no longer needed.
Considering my professional needs, experience, education, and desires,
it seems clear that I should be modifying Farmdog Co. into a web design
and development business.
In many ways, this new direction reminds me of when I decided to learn
Cocoa. Design now seems like programming did then: out of reach, too far
from what I’m good at, just a little too much for me to grasp. I love a
good challenge. Especially when that challenge can quite literally
change my life. However, the difference is that I’m actually far more
familiar with web work than I ever was with Cocoa. I started building
web sites almost as soon as I got a computer. I was put in charge of
building the command intranet back in 2000 - 2001, and I’ve been
involved with the web since. Even with Cocoa, Paragraphs builds web
sites, and I designed the default theme (such as it is) myself.
Web design and development feels right. After many nights of prayer
and meditation, I feel good about this change. My first client will be,
of course, Farmdog, followed by this site. I expect many slips and falls
along the way, after all who am I to think that I can just decide one
day to be a web designer. But I know one thing for sure, this will
certainly be a daring adventure.